TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
