She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
