Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
