I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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