Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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