I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
