I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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