I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
