I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
