Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
