Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Houston, we have a blender
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
