a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
it was like having sex with a tree stump
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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