You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
