She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
