ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
