mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
