and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
