I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
