Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
