I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
