Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
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Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
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I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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