i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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