Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
