VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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