when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I smell like Dick and happiness
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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