Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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