id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
