Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
