I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
