Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!