i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
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Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
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Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok