I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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