i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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