You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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