My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Dear god my vagina.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
