he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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