Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
