sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
