So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
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I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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