i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
