Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
