woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
