I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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