tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
