All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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