Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
People in love make me want to vomit
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
