Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Randomize
