i was born a porn star she said
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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