What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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