I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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