I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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