Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
