So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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