she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
