what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
