i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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