bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
