i'm signing you up for texting rehab
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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