How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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